Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
