You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Life is so much better after having sex.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
