I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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