Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
