1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize