We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
