Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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