He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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