just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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