Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Randomize
