Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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