I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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