Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
This house was built for laser tag.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
