he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
