...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
