is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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