So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Congratulations! We have a period
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