Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
