Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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