i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
