by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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