Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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