New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
