I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
