He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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