so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
