i already hear my dad disowning me
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
