In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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