so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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