apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
