Don't make out with my wife yet
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
