I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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