RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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