Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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