Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize