Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
