I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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