I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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