I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
