just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
