worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
