she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Randomize
