I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
