these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Can I color on your dick again?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
