Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
