This is not my ceiling
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
