dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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