i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
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