So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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