I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
