So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
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