It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
