Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
