In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
