don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
