everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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