Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
BRING THE BAGELS
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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