At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
